Despite the name of this site, my best script is (right now) the one referenced in the title of this post. For reasons I can’t recall, after it received a strong recommend from http://www.screenplaycoverage.com and was good enough to be featured on the radio show “Acting Up”, I changed the script. Talk about pulling a Homer Simpsonesque “doh”.
But I have changed it back so it’s essentially the same script that got such high marks. But first the logline: A brilliant young golfer who’s also a cynical intellectual risks everything to expose an ancient, sprawling conspiracy that hides the malevolent truth swirling beneath the heavenly golfing urban utopia of Parradice City. Here are highlights from the coverage:
- This script has a wonderfully inventive concept that offers an almost entirely new spin on some familiar themes. The presentation is pretty much top-notch across the boards. Your intricate story structure and thoughtful plot grab us from page one and don’t let go until the story has reached its seemingly logical conclusion.
- CONCEPT: These golf courses of the future are wildly imaginative, and the notion that they serve as a cover for a massive slave operation is just the kind of flight of fancy that studios always like to see. You take this story in some weird and wild directions, but with such a fantastic concept setting the stage for what is to come, it can never get weird enough.
- STRUCTURE: You are a world builder. It is a rare talent. In structuring this story, you have built an entirely new reality, one with its roots in present human experience, but lifting off in bizarre and compelling directions that provide a thoroughly authentic and believable framework in which the story can unfold.
- PLOT: The plot is not particularly original – there are plenty of stories about seemingly idyllic futures where all is much darker than it seems. What sets this story apart is the vivid sense of the specific. Right down to the details of how these characters tee off, you ground your plot in a cohesive imagined existence in which nary a false note is struck.
- CHARACTERS: STRYKER is an excellent protagonist – a bit deluded at first, then a reluctant hero, and ultimately a tireless fighter for truth, justice, and liberation. You populate your world with all sorts of fascinating characters, from the over-the-hill DEELAND to the portly but reliable sidekick ORLAND. Even your minor players leave an indelible impression as they burst so vividly with life.
- DIALOGUE:Great dialogue! You have expertly captured the way real people speak (regardless of what year or POAT it might be). You have a finely attuned comic sensibility. Perhaps you might want to consider setting your next script firmly in the comedic genre, rather than just playing with some light comedic elements within the context of what is, essentially, a rather dark story. Regardless, you’ve got an ear for this stuff, and that’s quite uncommon. Use it.
- THEME: Who deserves to live in Paradise? This is pretty much the central question you raise in this script, and it echoes with all sorts of ethical and even spiritual themes. As we close our borders and shove the homeless further and further into the gutter, this story comes along as a timely “reminder” from the future that the only way to save ourselves is to save everyone else at the same time, too.
- TONE: As with your dialogue, the tone strikes a good balance between the comedic and the intensely dramatic. You might want to consider dialing the comedy back just a little bit – you risk being too funny for your own good at certain points in the script. Overall, though, the tenor is a captivating mix of sarcasm, good-natured humor, and all-out thrills and chills.
- PACING: The pacing chugs along at just the right clip, pausing when necessary to allow your characters and the audience to catch their breath, then diving right into another major twist or gripping action set piece that keeps pulses racing and sends us on a thrill ride that does not let up until the closing shot…and even then leaves the door open for more.
- COMMERCIAL POTENTIAL: The only real barrier to making this film in terms of commercial potential is what would likely be its exorbitant costs. Sci-Fi films are rarely inexpensive to make. This script would be on the decidedly expensive side. That is by no means a deal-killer, but it probably means that you’ll need to get a name actor involved before a studio will consider investing the kind of big bucks that will be necessary to bring your vision to the screen.
Here’s a link to the script listing on Inktip.com: https://www.inktip.com/script/1hf2jq3_stones-throw-from-hell-by-
Who Framed Bobby Babbitt? 